Sunday, February 28, 2010

Last night we drove around Idaho Falls trying to get wedding stuff together and it's like little miracle huge setback little miracle huge setback and I'm full of speeches about faith and trust and optimism and I mean them, but sometimes I reach my limit.

The truth is, I've never been so scared in my entire life. I shake sometimes. I've never been so afraid that I've shaken before. This is definitely real life. 

However. I have never doubted marrying Scott in April for one second. I just don't know how it's all going to work out.

I believe that joy and peace and happiness beyond our wildest dreams is what our Heavenly Father intends for us in this life and that if we're obedient to his commandments-- these instructions for happiness-- that he's able to give us all that we desire. And I know he's anxious to do it. He is the most loving Soul. 

And I know that fear doesn't come from God. Fear will bring us down. Fear causes stress, causes health problems, causes fights, causes hurt. I refuse to let fear about money hurt my marriage before it's even started.

So, with all that in mind, I'm trying to draw on every experience I've had with money and divine intervention for comfort. I've been shown before that things will be okay.

This one experience really stands out:

I was on my mission. I'd been transferred to a new area. The previous month I hadn't been very smart with my allotted money and ended up in a situation with like two weeks left before we would get more and all I had was a box of instant cereal! It was my fault. I hadn't paid attention to my budget, I made stupid choices, and I completely expected to starve as a consequence. I refused to ask my new companion for help, again because it was my own fault. I would pray over my little amount of food, for once sincerely asking to be nourished and filled by it.  

We went to the grocery store our first day together. I thought that maybe I had a few dollars left in my account; maybe it was enough for a loaf of bread and a carton of eggs and I thought maybe I could make that last a while. We took our food to the checkout line and I was stressing out because I knew I'd probably only be able to pay for one thing, when suddenly this tiny figure darted toward us, said, "Here" in a thick and beautiful Hispanic accent, shoved something into my hand, and vanished. 

I looked down at a $50 gift certificate to the grocery store. I knew in that moment-- I felt it--that even though it was my own fault that I hadn't had any money for food, that the Lord would always take care of me. 

I remember another thing. Right before I went home from my mission I was so afraid. I didn't know what I would do about school, about money, about my family. I knelt to pray one night and began to cry and I told him how scared I was. First, this scripture from the Book of Mormon came into my mind:

"...and I fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear" (Moroni 8:16).

And immediately after that, was this scripture:

"And no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care" (Doctrine and Covenants 12:8).

So, okay. Maybe we don't exactly know how we're going to pay for everything. Maybe it seems miserably hopeless at times. So what. It comes down to this: we want it, we know it's right, we know God will take care of us.

Scott, by the way, is like an angel. No one knows all the things that he does; no one has seen all the dark and ugly parts of me, things I hate about myself. No one has seen these things and been so absolutely loving. I think this is the mindset that transcends someone into a mature love, into a ready-for-marriage love: one time he said to me, that even though things were hard and frustrating at times, that it was completely worth it to him, and always would be. It's a choice we've made. 

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
If ye then, being [human], know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?


  1. I loved this post. Engagement can be a rough time. I listened to this talk by Elder Holland last week and your post reminded me of it. It's titled "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" and you can find it here:

  2. this post is just what i needed right now. to the T.

    thank you!! i mean, i know you didn't write it for me or anything obviously haha but thanks.